RAT'S RAMBLES

Stars, hide your fires,

Let not light see my black and deep desires.



7.25.21 10:25pm. crying about missing my friends. i'm sorry i haven't been present. it's been ages since we've talked.

sobbing because i miss my grandparents before they pass away. both are in declining health. i miss papĂ­. i'm not on speaking terms with him and while i hate it, i have boundaries. icha is trying her best to buffer. it kills me that he's still supporting that man. does he not believe what he did to me? does he not care that he hurt me? that man i once thought was my brother? i can't be around him when he's still actively there for him.

'home' is miserable. i get out with work at least, but my gradnma is here all day with 'them'. they treat her like shit, make her cook and clean for them. she doesn't want to be around them but they're leaches. my 46 year old aunt is still depending on everyone else for support and being a bitch to my mom for trying to get me through school.

7.11.21 7:33pm. i went out with courtney yesterday to maverick's - a country dance hall. it was our first time hanging outside of work and my first time two stepping in a very long time. to say i was shit at it is an understatement - everyone i danced with counted for me and it was pretty embarassing, but it was nice to step out of my comfort zone.


6.17.21 6:08pm. it's been another lazed and down day. i don't really have the energy to do much on my days off and i always feel bad about it. i have three days off this weekend and i'm spending it at dad's. hopefully i'll be able to recharge. i wanted to get a haircut today from timmy and i thought he was going to come over to do it but he wants me to go to his place instead. he also said he wasn't going to be free until later in the day at around seven. i just told mom and of course she got pissed with me because she doesn't want me to cut my hair and she doesn't want me to be gone while she's here. i fucking hate everything. i can never make her happy no matter what i do. whatever.


6.15.21 9:09pm. it was a long day at work today as usual. i'm kind of falling into a semi-routine at work, but there are some days that throw me off. i think i'm gonna miss working there in a few months. i got kind of lucky finding that place considering it was one of the first places i applied to. i like most of my coworkers and i don't think any of them dislike me, i try to make myself available for everyone when they need something. i've been praised by a lot of people and they've told me they're going to miss me when i leave. it's good to hear. i'll see if i can maybe come back to work with them over winter break and next summer. we'll see i guess. my favorite patient of the day was this dachshund puppy named moonpie - she was the sweetest little thing. she came in for surgery due to a foreign body - she ate some tampons a few days ago. i didn't get to see her before she left but i will carry her in my heart.


6.14.21 6:57pm. i just got home from taking a battery to timmy - his motorcycle broke down. ironic that he only hits me up when he needs something but also won't get back to me when i need something. whatever. mom just called me and asked where i was - she had been waiting for me for half an hour at my job because she thought she was picking me up today. i got out at one and icha picked me up. it's gonna be a shit storm when she gets home. i feel so fucking bad, i didn't realise she was waiting for me. fuck. i need to communicate better, luis didn't take me to work the other day and i had to uber because he forgot and mom blamed me for it. i guess it kind of was my fault for assuming that he would stay on top of my schedule. i should've called mom earlier when i got off or anytime before then to ask when she was coming home. i guess i've learned my lesson.


6.13.21 9:43pm. i didn't do anything that fun this weekend, but i guess that's okay. i completed my driver's ed and signed my lease. i found out i need to take another course before i can take the driving exam and i'm exhausted. there are so many hoops to jump through and it's ridiculous. i need to just get this all over with and finally get my license. i also need to call dad to make sure that the car is up to date so i can get it registered and on the road again. i don't know, i'll figure it out tomorrow. speaking of tomorrow, i have my last session with britt. i haven't really given myself the time or mental capacity to process it yet, but i'll dwell on it a bit tomorrow to prepare to say goodbye. i'm saddened.


6.13.21 12:11am. i'm still awake and boy do i regret it already. i've just been on insta looking at videos, not even doing anything cool. whatever, it's what i felt like doing at the time. i'll try and be up semi-early tomorrow to try and reboot my sleeping schedule so i'm not dead for work on monday. hmm, maybe i should have a snack before bed and maybe watch a bit of gossip girl.... we'll see.


6.12.21 11:16pm. i should be going to bed soon, although i don't really want to. i want to shirk the responsibilty of having to keep a steady routine, especially a sleeping schedule.


6.12.21 11:59pm. it's been a lazy morning - i'm off today. i woke up at 6am and didn't want to remain awake so i went back to bed, then woke up again at 9am, and again at 10:30am. i think i need to start waking up earlier on my days off because it just leaves me feeling sluggish and tired for the rest of the day when i don't. how i miss being able to sleep in and stay up late like i used to. granted, i always felt sluggish and tired back then too. ugh. i dislike feeling like this. i need to work on finishing driver's ed - i'm about 76% done. i also need to finish writing the thank you note for the scholarship i received so it can be transferred to my account and i also need to read and sign the lease for my apartnment. today is a day filled with responsibilites and it sucks (although it's necessary). i want to be able to drive, to have money for school, to live with my friends. none of these things can happen if i don't put in the work. i'm still feeling burned out (or maybe i'm just depressed again?) and i really need a break. maybe i just need to start doing shit for myself in my day to day to feed my gremlin and feel like a person again. i want to add a section to my website so i can link what to do when i'm feeling certain things but i don't know how to code it. i'll have to look into some tutorials for it. i might also try doing that today. so much to do, so little time. speaking of this website - it's not what i want it to be yet, but i'm proud of myself for making it. i've never had any interest in coding or doing stuff like this, but i've managed to make a space only for myself. i'm proud. i don't need to be perfect (and neither does this site), sometimes just starting things is more than enough.


6.10.21 5:58pm. i woke up feeling damp and depressed. it was followed by therapy with britt, which was harder than usual. she informed me that due to the state of emergency ending, she won't be able to do interstate appointments. i was hoping that we could resume our sessions in august when i returned but she also let me know that she's leaving the institute this fall. i was already feeling lost and it made me feeling worse. i've been seeing her for the past two years and she's helped me through so much. i thought we were going to have more time together, that i was going to have her support for longer. our last session is on monday to say goodbye. i cried a bit during our session and had many heavy sighs and i hated it. to be vulnerable to the person leaving isn't easy, i've done it too many times and have gotten hurt on endless occassions. but this is britt - she wouldn't hurt me. i trust her. she's cared for me for two years, has helped me through so much. she's helped me grow in ways i didn't know i could. she's been my queer rolemodel and seeing her has been a gift. i'll miss her dearly. she said she was going to add me on the waitlist for the institute so come august i should have a replacement. britt said she felt slightly jealous at the thought of me building a relationship with a new therapist and it made me feel.... cared for? i don't know. i guess it reassured me that she would miss me too. she reminded me that i need to take care of myself - be kind and gentle. to be present, in the moment. transitions are always difficult, and she knows i hate them, but i shouldn't be caught in them. it'll be hard going on without her wisdom and help, but i'll manage.


5.31.21 11:55am. i'm at the big man's apartment again, he's getting in later today so i won't be here all day. it's been nice having the place to myself even if i haven't been doing anything exciting. i'm thankful that he gave me this little haven for the weekend. it wasn't until i was here yesterday that i realized i need some time to myself. i need to start taking care of myself again but i'm tired. it's hard to look after myself when i'm busy all the time and don't have the motivation to do anything when i'm off from work. not to mention all the things i have to do - finish driver's ed, respond to the scholarship application, move out to dad's, prepare for next semester and moving back to amherst. life is a never ending cycle of work and responsibilities and i need a break.


5.30.21 11:48pm. i've been house sitting for the big man and it's been alright. joey is as spoiled as ever and dolores is pissed because i smell like other pissed off cats. i spent the day at the apartment just hanging out. it was nice.


5.26.21 1:04pm. i'm beyond exhausted and bored. i need time to figure shit out but i don't have much of it. i need to recharge and have a different pace of life for awhile to get out of whatever rut i'm in. i need to move, to end this shitty chapter of my life. my thoughts keep revolving around them and i hate it. they are not the solution to my problems and they never will be - being with them just caused more problems for me. i need to stop letting my thoughts wander off to them - they no longer care for me, they don't want me, they don't love me, they chose to leave me. all they wanted me for was a distraction from life, to feed a cycle of avoidance and escapism. i guess i'm doing the same with them - it's the reason why we ended up where we did. our codependent styles made us crash and burn and just made us keep coming back for more. i always wanted a Big in my life, but i don't want it anymore if it feels like this. they've let me go, so why am i still holding on? why am i still holding myself back? why am i letting them take up space in my head, in my life? i'll never see them again anyways, so who cares? i need to put all the shit that reminds me of them away and leave them alone for a very long time. i need to grow and i can't do it if i still have one foot in the past.


5.22.21 1:04pm. i'm at dad's. the girls are asleep next to me. it's pouring outside and i can hear it hitting the tin roof. i'm tipsy. i feel slightly at peace. life has been a lot lately, but i know it will pass with time. transitions have always been difficult for me, but i take confort in the fact that everything is temporary. this time will pass and soon i'll be on a different path in life. i just need to be patient with myself, my circumstances, and the people in my life. i need to be kind, caring. otherwise, what's the point?


5.17.21 12:20pm. work is exhausting. i thought it was going to be more rewarding. it is kind of rewarding, but not as fulfulling as i'd hoped. it's making me question wether or not i still want to be a veterinarian - it's a lot of school and money and i'm scared that i'll hate it`. who knows, i still have time to figure it out. i need to start applying to vet school and it makes me anxious thinking about it - what if i don't meet all the requirements? what if i don't get in? what if i do and i don't want to pursue this career? what else would i do? this is a plan i made when i was a child and for the longest time i didn't see a future so i just stuck with it. i'm just thinking myself in circles.


5.16.21 7:23pm. it's hard for me to open up. it's always been difficult for me to open up to the people in my life. i don't know how to let people in without the fear of getting hurt. very few of my loved ones know what i've gone through and fewer know what my thoughts are. i've concealed so much of myself i don't know how to be myself with those in my life. i hope to one day open up to those closest to me.


5.16.21 7:08pm. i can't stop thinking of them. it's killing me. i hate that i can't get my mind off of them. everything i do, everything i see reminds me of them. i know they don't want me, i know they don't love me, but i have a one track mind with them. i hope this doesn't last, it's torture. i truly have never felt this way about anyone before, and i don't see myself feeling like this with anyone else again.